Holiday greetings to you! If you are anything like me, this weird time between Christmas and the New Year is uncomfortable and bothersome, but I’m attempting to use it as a time of reflection. A lot of things came together for me in 2021; sometimes I can see my life, (past, present, maybe even future) unfolding, almost doubting the way everything has been so perfectly strung together (but I remind myself it did not feel that way as it was happening – it either felt excruciatingly slow or completely chaotic). I think a lot of that “magic” comes from 1) knowing what you are good at, 2) cultivating a vision, and 3) if we’re being honest, prayer/faith/perseverance (whatever you want to call it). While I’m a deconstructed church kid, I don’t believe my mom’s past and future prayers are in vain – that energy she spends for my good, for others’ good, goes somewhere, and some days I swear I can feel it reaching me. These elements come together when I allow myself to dream a bit, and then align my natural strengths and inclinations, as well as my spirituality, with that dream – what applies? How can I be the “most me” in my dream?
While I don’t think the marketable New Year’s Resolution is the answer to everyone’s problems, and will likely hurt souls more than heal them, feeding us rigorous diet restrictions, exercise fads, and strict rules with a good/bad dichotomy, there’s something inspiring about turning over a new leaf and setting aside a period of time to decide what that leaf is. Choosing a resolution can be approached in a way that is gentle, more of an intention, or a sankalpa, as we call it in yoga. I like to have a balance of practical and aspirational goals, so while I have an overarching sankalpa for the year, something of an attitude accompanied by mantra, I also want some concrete resolutions I can measure to help me expand toward that ever-evolving intention.
Last year, my intention was to “live with ease.” To not grit my teeth so fucking hard. I heard the phrase in a loving-kindness meditation for the first time in January 2021, before I had heard of Sthira and Sukha, which I later learned about in YTT: a golden thread throughout all yoga philosophy – the search for balance between effort and ease. I also really saw the concept of aparigraha (non-greed/non-attachment) show up in 2021. In some ways, I believe I have cultivated ease, I have tried to let things be as they are, to be easy when they are easy, without trying to make everything difficult for the sake of being difficult. I’ve accepted a lot about myself, my marriage, my path, that I once did not have the courage to accept. I certainly have not mastered this intention, and my aspirations this year will continue to build upon this original sankalpa of ease, a great foundation in this greedy world of hustle culture and hedonism.
The past few days, I’ve just had this mantra on a loop in my head “I am everything I need.” I’ve been repeating it in every savasana. It sounds trite, but like so many women raised in the Bible Belt, I was taught to believe I needed someone to save me (Jesus), someone to complete me (a man), something to make me useful to society (a career), a persona to make me desirable and cool (MPDG vibes), and certain possessions to give me status (wardrobe, house, kids, etc.). Even though I tell myself I am above these thought patterns, I know my subconscious still operates under these expectations. I think my sankalpa this year will simply be to enjoy brahmacharya (which i talk about here) – to find and enjoy the “right use of energy.” I think this aligns with my mantra: I am everything I need and I have everything I need. To be successful, to be hungry, to be content, to be healthy, to be excited, to be disappointed, to be patient, to be kind, to be angry, to be compassionate, to be happy, to be melancholy. To be multifaceted and multidimensional and animalistic and holy. I am, I am, I am.
My more concrete resolutions are quite literally what I’ve deemed “right uses of energy” at this particular point on my path:
1) Writing for 20 minutes a day. This is something I am doing to be brave. Writing scares me in a good way and I want to chase this big dream that’s been in my subconscious since childhood, and find ways to make writing “more me, more Chandler” with every phrase. Why 20 minutes? Because I believe in the 20-minute miracle. 20 minutes is the perfect interval to accomplish a lot within a very friendly, un-intimidating time commitment. In the words of my teeth-gritting mother “you can do anything for 20 minutes” – exercising, reading a few pages, writing a paragraph, cooking a meal, walking your dog, cleaning your bathroom. Breaking up my day into 20-minute increments helps me prioritize a large ambition without getting overwhelmed by its magnitude. This method also yields big results rather fast – feeling physically better from 20 minutes of movement, seeing progress as my bookmark moves and my paragraphs accumulate, and noticing my house is tidier in between deep cleanings. Sometimes I look forward to my 20-minute chores.
2) Flossing at night. I absolutely hate this chore, but I have hereditarily poor gum health, and the time is now to start accepting that fact and do everything in my power to combat it.
3) Meditating for 5 minutes every day (for obvious reasons). I will be using Insight Timer’s daily insight – join me!
So here I go, on the journey to enjoy brahmacharya, “moving into infinity” by practicing the “behaviors which lead to Brahman (Creator, Source, higher power)”.
Cheers to you. May you find more of you, more of the Universe, in 2022.
Would love to hear what intentions you are setting for the year ahead in the comments.
P.S. I have the most wonderful planner from a local shop/artist that has space for intention-setting, reflection, and inquiry.